Please, Join my CULT

by Dubbed Emotions

While yes, I did begin writing a Halloween special, I need to take a small detour. As YouTube carried us through our morning news, it played an older Jimmy Kimmel with a televangelist clip. As I reflect on the scene, I find myself questioning reality. Seriously, I need you to get on my level for a second. Step into my shoes, let me guide you through this properly.

You’re coming out of a deep sleep, but you aren’t ready to look at the clock, fearing what you’ll see. Your back hurts, you’ve been pinned in place by three cats all night. You have to pee, but doing so would disturb Hubby and you’ve both slept terribly this week. Finally, back screaming, you slowly unfold your legs, delicately rolling to the nightstand. As cats leap from bed, you freeze, hoping the Hubby Huff doesn’t come. When your heart resumes beating, you finally see it’s 4:38AM.

The alarm will sound at 5:00. You knowusing the bathroom will wake him. You know you’ll hear the Huff while you pee. Yet you really have to pee. 22 minutes. You try to close your eyes, try to drift off, but your bladder is infuriated. It calls for reinforcements. You feel a hot bubble of sludge slide down your intestines, coming to rest in your bottom. You clinch against the flames, but your asshole is essentially the only barrier between the bed and molten lava. You ever so gently crawl to the toilet. The moment you release your bowls, you see the light of Hubby’s phone, simultaneous with the Huff.

Huff protocol dictates a reset alarm for 5:30. Always erring to the side of caution, you begin your morning. You let the first round of cats out, take Bandit’s (raccoon) food to the edge of the woods because his presence bothers them, feed cats, release second round, grab a water and sit. Sounds of Hubby’s dresser emanate from the bedroom, telling you to prepare the tv. After a short, irrelevant monologue from Seth Meyers, YouTube selects Jimmy Kimmel.

Great choice, he’s second only to John Oliver, but you’re not sure why it felt the need to show one from election time. It’s called Trump Melts Down Over “Stolen” Election, and still worth watching so you don’t complain. Then they showed this guy:🤢🤮

This man stands in front of you, and says “they’re trying to say Joe Biden is president,” and fake laughs horribly. Then he continues, and here’s what really gets you. After a few fake laughs, well past when he should have stopped, he does it again. But this time, he walks around while he laughs. The crowd eats it up! They stand, cheering louder than ever! How does a man like that have a cult? How do people follow and give him money? How are there enough people to support all the ones like him? They have some cush-ass lifestyles! How do they even start? How do you brainwash enough people to confidently stand before the masses to convince them they benefit by giving youmoney?

As you sit on your cat-hair covered couch, still naked beneath a raggedy bathrobe in desperate need of washing, you realize that disgusting old man has fans. Lots of them. Sure, for every fan there’s 100 enemies wishing him dead. Sure, he spouts nonsensical hate rhetoric for a living. Sure, you’d think he could afford a dentist, but apparently teeth aren’t everything in the cult game. But you know what? He probably never had to choose between food or a rent payment. Never had to live 8 weeks in the country with no water or transportation. (Oh! Note to self, write about that 2 months without indoor plumbing.) Hell, I bet that crazy old fart has more than 2 Twitter followers too!

So, after reading all these well thought out points, do you see how it might be worth imitating his behavior? Damn, me either. I really wanted to, but frankly I’d rather puncture my own ear drums than listen to him speak again. I figure there has to be a middle ground. I’ve decided to start my own cult. I’m not married to the name yet, but I was toying with LGFNW, Losers, Geeks, Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos, all welcome and equal. Violence and bullying strictly prohibited.

I may not have much to offer, but I can make you a few promises that clearly put me ahead of the packs.

  • I will never lie to you
  • I will never hold you hostage
  • I will never forbid you from contact with family
  • I will never enforce Droit du seigneur (right of first night, fancy word for rape)
  • I will never drug you (against your will)
  • Most importantly, I will alwayssupport your right to believe whatever the hell you want. 

There’s something deeply wrong in a world where my cult fails while those others flourish. Anyway, thank you for your indulgence in this matter. If you would like to join LGFNW, there are no fees or deadlines. Currently all positions are open. No background or credit checks necessary. We have no swag, or any material possessions whatsoever, but we do have, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of gusto.

At What Point?


I have to ask this question. When are people going to realize that there are bigger problems in the world than the petty things which our society seems to be focusing on lately? If foreign countries could read our headlines or watch our news coverage (cancel culture? What is that!), they would probably turn away in disgust. No matter your or my political beliefs, there are certain things happening right now that are simply outrageous.

Who cares about Mr. And Mrs. Potato Head? They are toys which help teach children motor skills. That’s it.

And why is Dr. Seuss under fire? He wrote books that rhymed, which are fun and entertaining for children. Nothing more.

Now I’m hearing words against another children’s book, curious George. Because it’s about a white man who has a monkey, and the word ‘monkey’ has been used by some as a racial slur against black people. News flash: a monkey is an animal. It’s not the author’s fault that some low class people have chosen to use that word as an offensive word against other people! At what point do we draw the line between what is, and is not, offensive? I would argue that we’re already past that point, because people are condemning this book in which the word ‘monkey’ is used in its original, correct context! Come on, America.

Why would anyone want to remove the police officer dog from Paw Patrol? It’s not only a cartoon, but the favorite cartoon of millions of children! This cartoon teaches children to respect our men and women in uniforms of all kinds. There is not only a police officer pup, but pups who represent construction, aerial rescue, coast guard, and others. The point is, are we going to boycott the construction pup because we’re fed up with having to take detours? Or the aerial rescue pup because it’s offensive to those who are scared of heights? Where does the madness end!

It is imperative that society stop swaying with the crowd, and know our own minds. And it is okay to go against the majority. Just because one or two people raise a stink about something does Not mean that the whole country needs to go into an uproar. Likewise, just because a group of people- even if it is the majority- agree on something, doesn’t mean it’s right.

In listing the above examples, I’ve noticed a common denominator: it sounds to me like it’s our children who are under attack! Because believe you me, they listen. And they hear all of this craziness. Children are extremely impressionable, and it is scary and confusing to them when the adult influences in their lives start talking about gender neutral toys and systemic racism, and asking them what sex they want to be . The list goes on!

Generations of people have grown up reading these books and playing with these toys. Think of it this way: everything is offensive to somebody, somewhere. You think I like having to press 2 for English when I live in America? No!

But I digress.

Like I always tell my stepdaughter when she’s frustrated with the rules: people are adults for the majority of their lives. Childhood is just a fraction of it, and she should try to enjoy being a kid while it lasts.

Let’s let our kids enjoy being kids, and stop taking away their innocence!