CALLING ALL LGFNW’s‼️

Please, Join my CULT

by Dubbed Emotions

While yes, I did begin writing a Halloween special, I need to take a small detour. As YouTube carried us through our morning news, it played an older Jimmy Kimmel with a televangelist clip. As I reflect on the scene, I find myself questioning reality. Seriously, I need you to get on my level for a second. Step into my shoes, let me guide you through this properly.

You’re coming out of a deep sleep, but you aren’t ready to look at the clock, fearing what you’ll see. Your back hurts, you’ve been pinned in place by three cats all night. You have to pee, but doing so would disturb Hubby and you’ve both slept terribly this week. Finally, back screaming, you slowly unfold your legs, delicately rolling to the nightstand. As cats leap from bed, you freeze, hoping the Hubby Huff doesn’t come. When your heart resumes beating, you finally see it’s 4:38AM.

The alarm will sound at 5:00. You knowusing the bathroom will wake him. You know you’ll hear the Huff while you pee. Yet you really have to pee. 22 minutes. You try to close your eyes, try to drift off, but your bladder is infuriated. It calls for reinforcements. You feel a hot bubble of sludge slide down your intestines, coming to rest in your bottom. You clinch against the flames, but your asshole is essentially the only barrier between the bed and molten lava. You ever so gently crawl to the toilet. The moment you release your bowls, you see the light of Hubby’s phone, simultaneous with the Huff.

Huff protocol dictates a reset alarm for 5:30. Always erring to the side of caution, you begin your morning. You let the first round of cats out, take Bandit’s (raccoon) food to the edge of the woods because his presence bothers them, feed cats, release second round, grab a water and sit. Sounds of Hubby’s dresser emanate from the bedroom, telling you to prepare the tv. After a short, irrelevant monologue from Seth Meyers, YouTube selects Jimmy Kimmel.

Great choice, he’s second only to John Oliver, but you’re not sure why it felt the need to show one from election time. It’s called Trump Melts Down Over “Stolen” Election, and still worth watching so you don’t complain. Then they showed this guy:🤢🤮

This man stands in front of you, and says “they’re trying to say Joe Biden is president,” and fake laughs horribly. Then he continues, and here’s what really gets you. After a few fake laughs, well past when he should have stopped, he does it again. But this time, he walks around while he laughs. The crowd eats it up! They stand, cheering louder than ever! How does a man like that have a cult? How do people follow and give him money? How are there enough people to support all the ones like him? They have some cush-ass lifestyles! How do they even start? How do you brainwash enough people to confidently stand before the masses to convince them they benefit by giving youmoney?

As you sit on your cat-hair covered couch, still naked beneath a raggedy bathrobe in desperate need of washing, you realize that disgusting old man has fans. Lots of them. Sure, for every fan there’s 100 enemies wishing him dead. Sure, he spouts nonsensical hate rhetoric for a living. Sure, you’d think he could afford a dentist, but apparently teeth aren’t everything in the cult game. But you know what? He probably never had to choose between food or a rent payment. Never had to live 8 weeks in the country with no water or transportation. (Oh! Note to self, write about that 2 months without indoor plumbing.) Hell, I bet that crazy old fart has more than 2 Twitter followers too!

So, after reading all these well thought out points, do you see how it might be worth imitating his behavior? Damn, me either. I really wanted to, but frankly I’d rather puncture my own ear drums than listen to him speak again. I figure there has to be a middle ground. I’ve decided to start my own cult. I’m not married to the name yet, but I was toying with LGFNW, Losers, Geeks, Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos, all welcome and equal. Violence and bullying strictly prohibited.

I may not have much to offer, but I can make you a few promises that clearly put me ahead of the packs.

  • I will never lie to you
  • I will never hold you hostage
  • I will never forbid you from contact with family
  • I will never enforce Droit du seigneur (right of first night, fancy word for rape)
  • I will never drug you (against your will)
  • Most importantly, I will alwayssupport your right to believe whatever the hell you want. 

There’s something deeply wrong in a world where my cult fails while those others flourish. Anyway, thank you for your indulgence in this matter. If you would like to join LGFNW, there are no fees or deadlines. Currently all positions are open. No background or credit checks necessary. We have no swag, or any material possessions whatsoever, but we do have, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of gusto.

OPINIONS DIVIDE

by T. BLEN PARKER

We currently live in a world where the FBI is disrespected, disparaged by a past president in public, and humiliated on the world stage. World-leading scientists and physicians who specialize in contagious diseases are discouraged. The shaming and blaming from a previous president needs to stop. The behavior is a severe presentation of who Americans are not. Does anyone study history? Can we relate past experiences to the present and learn from mistakes?

BROKEN GLASS AGAINST A BLUE SKY

If:
you can cast aside the children and number of people in general in the USA alone who have been killed by people with firearms,
can discount the Holocaust, Spanish flu of 1918, Civil War,
and can ignore many other significant historical events, we can stick our heads in the sand until we have ultimately killed off all life on the planet. Lately, it appears this plan is a much easier solution, not requiring any action at all on anyone’s part, without guilt or violence against our fellow man.

I am confused. That very same past president is still allowed hours and hours of free airtime on television stations to promote his well-crafted lies about what a loving crowd of tourists assembled for an insurrection on January 6, 2021. What method do the rest of the rational world citizens have to bring the facts into the light and the world’s citizens? Thankful for the Lincoln Project and their innovative ways of producing sound ideas for us to think about, coupled with facts, laws, constitutional references, educating via historical events, and scientific reports. We need patriotic citizens to express their love of America and willing to work to improve life for everyone before the rapidly dying planet implodes, rather than devise ways to divide us. We all share the same planet. These tenets were subjects I first remember being concerned about long ago, yet it seems the crickets I heard are still sounding off but the downslide has obviously taken a crash course since then.

The solution will not be by having constructive conversations with your friends and family who disagree with you! The hostile arguments remind me of flying monkeys (who have NOT attended college or become self-aware of current world events) ready to attack. Someone shared with me the other day that “We do not watch the nightly news. It is way too depressing, and I am sick of hearing that I should receive a vaccination that may cause side effects.” An elderly man I admire said, “You aren’t even watching the RIGHT news channel!” I would not dare to issue that directive to anyone that I know casually. Even close friendships don’t feel my wrath, even though I am a straightforward woman. There are various ways we can present our opinions, and some do not need to be shared! I learned that valuable lesson effectively and at an early age. I was encouraged to find common ground whenever put in a position of sharing my ideas, rather than pick at the differences, attempting to change someone else’s convictions. Now, at this point, I need to disclose that I grew up as a voracious reader, homeschooled for a great time with grandparents on a tiny freshwater island in Maine. I lived and worked in five other states as an adult, returning to Maine to be close to my daughter and that special island.

I wonder where these people who feel entitled to share their private opinions freely were brought up, what they have learned as adults, what would make them fearful of science or democracy, and why they feel entitled to issuing warnings to people with whom they are unfamiliar?

How can we return to a moralistic society? Where are the actual devout conservatives? In the church (pick any one you like), it is taught to be “kind to your neighbor.” We learned as children to share and listen and behave in public. I learned to respect firearms and use them only when necessary to kill a threatening bear, wild pig, or other animal encroaching to harm. I would use a gun if I owned one to obliterate the woodchucks that eat my vegetable garden every year. I was shot while driving through the woods in Maine one non-hunting-season Sunday afternoon, so yes, I do have something in “that game.” I also respect gun owners who use targets and have invested serious money in locating special guns for their collections. I do not appreciate out of control people who, in anger, devise plans to obsessively take the lives of many children attending school (to learn about how to behave in the adult world), or blow away adults at a lazy Sunday afternoon concert (and you all know the many other examples I am speaking of).

Americans no longer enjoy the fair amount of respect we once had in the world. Why is that, do you suppose? Why do we no longer find compromising a challenge? It seems there were several older white males who have perpetuated lies, become resistant to compromise, and who have more power than the Constitution that men designed for the governance of ALL AMERICANS for all time. If we look at the United States of America, we now see regions cut off from those rights, especially when it comes to voting and elections. Rather than in the land where my grandparents were born, I chose America. Yes, my family were immigrants. America is proud to claim we are the land of the free and brave.

At my high school graduation, the theme song was “This Land is Your Land; This Land is My Land.” I don’t see that land anymore, despite my recent ophthalmic exam.