Biden Surrendered to the Taliban — And We’re All Going to Pay the Price

Why Biden and Blinken’s Humiliating Surrender

is Even Worse Than Americans Understand
by umair haque

Joe Biden and Antony Blinken have made a terrible mistake. How bad?

Imagine the following. There you are, living your pleasant life, in a quiet suburb, in a metropolitan city. Maybe you own a small business. Maybe you’re a teacher, or journalist. The political situation, though? It’s bad. And getting worse. You have two daughters, and you wonder: how will they grow up?

And then the unthinkable happens. The government falls. To the violent, fanatical men. They arrive on your doorstep. You’ve made the mistake of speaking out against the Taliban in the past, so they’re here to make an example of your family. So they seize your 12-year-old daughter, and tell you she’s their property now — she’s going to be “married” off to one of them. (That’s sexual slavery, by the way.) They arrest your 15-year-old— didn’t you know she made the fatal mistake of having a boyfriend?

Your wife, their mother? She’s beaten before your eyes for her “immodest” clothing. She was wearing a burqa, but her ankles were showing. You? You’re in deep trouble, too. Your business is taken from you as a punishment. They say you’ll be tried tomorrow — and so will your wife, in Sharia Law “court.” Everything you ever worked for — gone, just like that. But you can’t even think about that. All you can think about is the people you love. And how bad life is going to be for all of you now. Or if you’ll even have one.

Your family is sentenced by the “court.”
Your 15-year-old daughter’s punishment? She’s their slave now.
Your wife? Her sentence is to be stoned to death.
The men watch and laugh as your wife dies.

You don’t know where your daughters are. You know they’re in danger. But let’s face it — no one is safe anymore, especially not women and girls.

How bad is the mistake Biden and Blinken made? It’s that big. Americans have a hard time imagining scenarios as bad as the one unfolding in Afghanistan right now. They have the incredible luxury of being imperial subjects. Sure, the empire’s dying — but it’s not gone yet. And so Americans still live in relative safety. They can’t quite imagine what it’s like when the fascists arrive on your doorstep.

So let me assure you. That’s what it’s like. Americans see pictures of huge waves of people fleeing the Taliban. But nobody quite spells out for them what all those people are fleeing from. Let me make it absolutely brutally clear.

What is unfolding is all the following. Sexual slavery — on the scale of an entire country.

Women are being seized, yes, really, to be “married” to Taliban members, which means they’re basically taken and put into sexual servitude. It’s the Handmaid’s Tale, the West’s entertainment, only it’s true. Women aren’t allowed to laugh in public. Then there’s the mass violence. Anyone remotely associated with America is sure to be executed in a particularly bloody and public way — beheaded, for all to see. Journalists, professors, teachers, artists, intellectuals, writers, filmmakers, scientists, researchers — they’re going to be executed, too.

The lucky ones will escape with beatings. With torture. With mutilation so severe they’re crippled for life, like being flogged in the public square.

We are talking about an entire nation under the thumb of the world’s most barbaric and regressive and cruel fascist movement. All its women. All its kids. All its men. Anyone who displays the slightest hint of a vaguely modern attitude is going to be persecuted, quite literally, to death. They will be tortured and maimed and enslaved in utterly horrific ways, which are so far beyond the American imagination that literally nobody can even talk about them.

But if you really want to begin understanding the magnitude and depth of Biden and Blinken’s mistake, that’s where you need to go. Right down into the deepest darkness of the human soul. You need to bear witness. And ask yourself: does anybody deserve that? To be enslaved? To be put into sexual servitude? To have their kids taken from them? To be violently tortured?

Let’s just use the Golden Rule, to try to spark the moribund American imagination. If all this was happening to you, your kids, your family, how would you feel?

That’s why all those people are fleeing. They’re not running away for show. They’re not desperately trying to escape because they’re going to be called names and insulted. They are running because their daughters are going to be sexually enslaved, their sons made jihadis, what small amounts of money they have confiscated, and their pasts examined, and if the slightest deviation from the Taliban’s medieval way is found, they’re going to be tortured and likely killed, in horrifically cruel ways.

Those people are running from slavery, torture, execution — of their whole families. That’s why they’re so desperate for a way out.

How would you feel?

That’s the beginning of how bad Biden’s and Blinken’s mistake really is. The human dimension. The nightmarish catastrophe that’s unfolding now for Afghans. But maybe, like most Americans, you still don’t care — maybe you only care about money, sex, celebrity gossip, the ongoing crackhead supply of it all, to numb the pain of your own life. Very good, let me tell you how this mistake is going to impact you.

Why didn’t anyone in America’s elites see this coming? Think of the magnitude of the failure for a moment. Biden assured the nation — and the world — everything would be fine. Why?

Because Blinken told him everything would be fine. What the hell would Blinken know? Nothing — he’s a career bureaucrat, a classic DC insider, who’s never stepped foot outside a first class cabin. Blinken told Biden everything would be OK because the CIA and NSA told him everything would be ok.

So who told them? Well, that’s what they concluded. But how could the world’s most powerful intelligence agencies get all this so incredibly wrong? Because by now, they get everything wrong. Why? Because they’re still fighting the Cold War.

In the minds of America’s intelligence agencies, the real threat is still communism. Yes, really.
Let me prove it to you.

What else didn’t the cowboys and boy geniuses at Langley see coming? The rise of American fascism. The rise of European fascism. The resurgence of fascism around the globe. The depth of the threat Islamic terror — another form of fascism — posed. They didn’t see any of it coming. The story of how the CIA literally ignored 9/11 is famous by now, or at least it should be.

Why does America’s intelligence infrastructure keep thinking of resurgent fascism as not a big deal at all? Because it’s still fighting the Cold War. And it’s barely even doing that well. The boy geniuses and cowboys at Langley didn’t exactly stop Russia from installing Trump as President, either, a fact we now know is true, yet most Americans are still unaware of.

Let me take you through a brief tour of how Afghanistan got here. In the 80s, Afghanistan, as a society, wanted to be a communist state. Fair enough, many poor countries did. America couldn’t let it happen, so it armed “freedom fighters” called the “mujahideen.” Those freedom fighters did in fact fight off the communists — preventing yet another nation from reaching its democratically chosen destiny. But there was a terrible, terrible price. They became the Taliban.

And as the Taliban, they began to hate America just as much as they despised Russia. Why? Not because Americans were “foreign invaders.” But because they were fanatical religious fundamentalists. They hated anyone and everyone who didn’t want to live in the 4th century.

Women, gay people, liberals, scientists, journalists, teachers, academics, writers, artists, intellectuals, simple business owners who just wanted to live in a vaguely functioning society.

The Taliban wanted to recreate an Islamic Caliphate — literally. They wanted to take their country, and as much of the world as they could, back to the 4th century. No art or music allowed. Women hidden behind veils, sexual slaves to men. Only certain forms of commerce and trade allowed. Don’t go to prayers, you get beaten. Every thought and action and speech policed for the slightest deviation from religious piety. A repressive society based on public mass violence, from beheadings to floggings to stonings.

Now, in a sane and just world, they wouldn’t have had a hope. But this isn’t that world. These fanatics had guns. Money. Bombs. Missiles. Tanks. Why? Because America gave them all those things. They had the one thing you need most in a poor society: the power to do violence. So they began to take over at light-speed.

Americans are often told ridiculous stories, like “nobody can conquer Afghanistan!! My God! There are mountains there!” Or even more absurd ones, like: “those guys hide in caves! Nobody can find them!” What is this, third grade? You can’t find people because they hide in caves? The world’s most powerful military can’t climb a mountain?

Don’t be fooled. These ridiculous stories are told to Americans to blind them from the terrible truth that the Taliban is their creation.

And just as America made the Taliban, it could have unmade it, too. The next terrible truth is that it chose not to. Ask a soldier, they’ll tell you. It wasn’t a war. It was a half-hearted, barely fought civil conflict.

America didn’t hunt down the Taliban.

They didn’t break their back as a military force and political movement.

They didn’t eliminate them.

They didn’t confiscate their guns — the very ones they’d given them.

They didn’t eradicate their bases of tanks and missiles and bombs. instead, because this conflict was half-hearted, America used drones to bomb villages. It was a strategy that was never going to lead anywhere. The soldiers on the ground knew it.

That brings us back to now. The final terrible truth is this. Americans too often swallow reductive binaries. This or that, black or white, this extreme or that one. In this case, it’s “leave” or “stay.” But those were not the only choices. There were many, many other, better ones. A phased withdrawal. A phased withdrawal after a final, serious push to really annihilate the Taliban.

Don’t buy the lie about “endless war,” either. America has 28,000 troops in South Korea. It has 38,000 troops in Germany, for Pete’s sake. Why? They’re there to keep the peace, through deterrence.

Sometimes, that’s the best you can do. And this was one of those cases. Yes, America should have “left.” But it should have gone like this — a final effort to really defeat the Taliban, boots on the ground, not just drones, man by man. And then troops stationed there, to keep the peace through deterrence.

Maybe you don’t like that. Do you object to troops in Korea and Germany, then? If you don’t, then you need to examine your own double standards.

There are no good ways to end an empire. America’s empire is winding down now. It doesn’t have the money, will, or power left to really sustain one. Life at home, in America, is difficult now, a struggle.

The coffers are empty and the people are growing unhappy. America’s days as an imperial nation are over.

Afghanistan’s in the crosshairs of that final indignity. All those Afghans who lifted a finger to help America? They’ve been betrayed, and they’re going to be punished in horrific ways. As are all the following people: girls who want to go school, women who want to be educated, writers, artists, professors, teachers, business owners, anyone who doesn’t want to sacrifice their sons to becoming militant jihadis.

Biden and Blinken have made a terrible, terrible mistake. Let me put it as bluntly as I can, as bluntly as you need to hear, because Americans still don’t understand it this way.

Biden surrendered to the Taliban. The world’s worst, most barbaric, stupid, cruel, evil, disgusting, and backwards fascists. The world’s most powerful nation couldn’t take on a bunch of unwashed dudes in a cave — the very ones they made into an army of faith. America stands humiliated and disgraced — and Afghanistan? Take a second to thank whatever creator you believe in it’s not your kids who are going to be enslaved.

History won’t forget what just happened. And frankly, it shouldn’t forget. We shouldn’t forget. The world will laugh at the jaw-dropping folly of it — after it stops shuddering. The GOP will make hay of it. Imagine what happens the next time there’s a radicalised Muslim terrorist attack in America — something that becomes thousands of times more likely now that they have a whole country to organise and plan and fund one from. The GOP’s going to say, shout, scream: “Joe Biden surrendered to the Taliban!”



BY umair haque

I woke up to a horrific headline today: a man in Philadelphia raped a woman on public transport last week after she rejected his advances. The attack went on for 8 minutes — but the train wasn’t empty. There were multiple bystanders. And yet, for 8 minutes, no one stopped this man, until a public transport employee — a woman — saw what was going on. What did the bystanders do instead? They took video. Some uploaded the video to social media.

It strikes me that America is a uniquely violent, a uniquely rapey society. Nowhere else in the developed world would something like this happen. Hell, this would barely happen in many poor countries. (If you don’t believe me, a man tried to attack a woman on the London tube the other day, and passengers rushed to her aid.)

(I want to warn you that you’ll find this essay quite horrific, so I urge you just to skip it, if you’re the kind of American who can’t bear a single grain of self-criticism, which is too many of us.)

America is a uniquely violent society. But more than that, it is a deeply rapey society. I don’t mean that in some light way, I mean that violation and violence is deeply ingrained in American institutions, norms, and culture. A rape on public transport — while bystanders watched. A Louisiana school had two school shootings in the space of a week.

A sitting Supreme Court Justice — Brett Kavanaugh — who was confirmed despite being accused of gang rape.

A congressman — Matt Gaetz — is involved in a sex trafficking investigation.

And a former president — Donald Trump —

who won the presidency despite being found on camera,

saying “grab em by the pussy.”

The Supreme Court. The GOP. The former president, whose return is looking more and more likely by the day. What are we to make of all this? Is it just — as American pundits go on crowing — it’s just a few bad apples?

Is it really just a few bad apples when a country’s entire power structures are… rapey? Is it really just a few bad apples when a woman can be attacked on public transport and bystanders do nothing? I can go on. The media is notoriously rapey — from Weinstein to Cosby. Silicon Valley’s if not rapey, then at least absurdly misogynist. Wall St — anyone’s who’s come within shouting distance of an investment bank knows how rapey finance is. Then there’s college. Frats, my friends, are incredibly rapey.

America has a problem of rapiness. Sure, every country and every culture has a problem of rape, because male violence is a problem. But America has an especial problem of rapiness, given the simple and incontrovertible fact that its power structures and institutions, from the top down to the bottom, all seem to be rapey.

But not just rapey in any kind of way. Smugly, like frat-bros. It’s done with a grin and a sneer. To the sound of applause. Not rapey and ashamed. But proudly and unabashedly capable of the deepest kind of violation. To the point that a man can rape a woman on public transport and bystanders will upload it to social media instead of helping.

And what’s worse, weirdly, is that a large number of Americans seem to think that all this is just fine. More than that, in fact. They are among the throngs cheering all this on. Take the by now canonical example, one of the things that made America a global laughingstock. Trump was happily elected as President after he smugly said,

“just grab em by the pussy.”
What the……..?

So we have to ask difficult questions. The problem is much bigger than the way it’s simply portrayed. It isn’t about men versus women, and it isn’t about right versus left, though those distinctions certainly carry water. Still, there is a larger problem in America. Even many women ardently support too much of the above, and seem to think it is their rightful place in society. Many men, in turn, place obtaining this license as their highest priority in life.

But what are we talking about exactly, when we say “rapiness”? When I think about problems, I do the opposite of what American pundits do. Instead of zooming in, I like to zoom out. And in this case, when I zoom out, here’s what I see. That America’s come to be ruled by rapiness, isn’t just part of a rape culture — though there certainly is such a thing. I think that even the way we think of rape culture is still too small. Rape is a profound and terrible kind of violence — which I’ll come to shortly — and American has a violence problem, not just a rapiness problem.

Now, I don’t mean what pundits do when I say a violence problem. I’m not going to shower you with statistics about crime. That’s not what I really mean at all.

I mean something much bigger, truer, harder to see. Something about America being the kind of society that built the world’s most perfect killing machine — but not a functioning healthcare system. What kind of a society does that?

Violence is something like America’s God, it’s graven image. It is the altar at which Americans worship, and are told to sacrifice both themselves and their kids. Violence is the one constant in American life, culture, society. Guns, shootings, reality TV shows, endless cruelty, denying your neighbours healthcare, traumatising kids by making them do “active shooter drills.” Violence permeates America like a terrible fog, blemishing the soul. In that context, rapiness is just sacrificing virgins to the Gods.
Let me make that concrete.

America is the world’s most violent society. Not just in the way we are told it is — the easy way. Murders and homicides so forth. In the hard way, the uncomfortable way. America has spent 225 out of its 245 years of life at war. It is the country that over the last hundred has destabilized and invaded nation after nation. America is the country with the world’s most guns, most sophisticated weapons of death and destruction — and the one most ready to use them, at any and every opportunity. How many countries is America bombing with drones at any given moment? Do you even know? Nobody does, really. See my point? The world’s most perfect killing machine.

America is violent in the most violent ways. Not just violent in little ways. It isn’t just petty criminals who represent the problem of American violence. It is permanent war. It is militarization. It is a nation that’s quicker to draw a gun than read a book. It’s high schoolers who kill their classmates out of frustration. It’s drones raining the inferno down from above. It’s the world’s most lethal killing machine, something beginning to resemble Skynet. It can kill anyone, anywhere on earth, without asking any questions, without hesitation, in moments, from the quiet comfort of a screen in an air-conditioned room a world away — and you’ll never see it coming.

I want you to see the point I’m making. America is the world’s most violent society in the most violent ways. Not just with pistols, but with bombs and missiles, with the most powerful system of violence that any country has any built ever, in human history. Can you imagine what the Romans…or Dr Strangelove…would have thought about a sci-fi machine that let you literally kill anyone on earth by pressing a button — like human life was a video game?

Ah, but there’s a price to being this kind of a nation, my friends. The one that values human life so cheap that it built human history’s most efficient killing machine — one so spectacularly, staggeringly powerful that I can press a button, and take a life anywhere on earth, all while slurping my Coke and munching my Doritos. One which lets me kill anyone, anywhere, anytime — without having to think a single thought at all.

Can you tell that price yet?

America owns the most perfect killing machine ever made. It is the most violent society that ever existed, by a very, very long way. Is it any surprise, really, that the world’s most violent country — history’s most violent society, ever — ended up being run by fascists, rapists, and pedophiles? Shouldn’t we have expected precisely that? Won’t the most violent of all rise to the top of the world’s most violent society? How else could things end up?

At this point, if you’re American, I’d bet you think I’m overstating things, or you’re a little angry, or you’re bewildered — maybe all the above. But if you’re not American, I’d bet you’re nodding along.
That tells us something even truer. America’s the world’s most violent society in the most violent ways.

But it doesn’t know it is. When you say that to Americans, they’ll look at you like you’re crazy. They’ve been taught to see themselves as brave, peaceful superheroes. A little bit like Spider Man, maybe, or Super Man. Violence? We never start a fight! We break them up! Alas — talk to Chile, Argentina, Iraq, Afghanistan, Nicaragua, Mexico…an endless list of countries.

So Americans don’t understand in any real way whatsoever that they’re the world’s most violent society in the most violent ways, and a natural consequence of being such a society is that it ends up ruled by the most violent. They can’t connect the dots, because their mythologies teach them that they’re noble peacemakers, not aggressive, domineering bullies. The idea of the perfect killing machine never enters the American mind as a problem — only as a solution.

The result is that Americans go on thinking they can have it both ways. Maybe not you, enlightened and gentle reader — but certainly enough Americans, not just the extremists and fanatics, but even the good ones.

Americans go on imagining that they can do things like start endless wars against half the world (and then leave them to pick up the pieces), bomb country after country, overthrow any democracy they don’t like…that they can conduct endless violence as a country…and not pay any price themselves.
No one has taught them that there is a price to being history’s most violent society.

The price of being such a violent society is that the most violent end up on top. They are the ones whom institutions and norms and rules will select for. That is how the fascists, theocrats, and kleptocrats rose to power in America.

Do you see my point?

Let me make it crystal clear.

There was a price to being the kind of society that built history’s perfect killing machine.

But Americans think they can have it both ways. That they can be the society that does the most violence in the world, by a very long way, not just to itself, but to others — and never pay a price. They’ve been told there is no price to be paid. So half of them cheer it on, roughly, this project of bombing the world, of dominating the world’s poor, of perfecting the perfect killing machine — and the other half happily turns a blind eye to it.

But there is a very real price to being the world’s most violent society, a society so violent it built the perfect killing machine, instead of, say, functioning hospitals. That price is that the most violent men of all will rise to the top. It will take decades, probably, for that competition to select the most violent of all. But that competition is precisely what will happen. And in the end, such a country will be ruled by men that are not just capable of doing the unthinkable — but revel in it, flaunt it, demand it. The price of violence is rule by the violent.

Being the world’s most violent society means that the world’s most violent men will rule you, too. You. Not just them — those dirty, filthy, scary people you bomb with drones and abandon when it suits you. But you, yourself, in your pleasant suburb and cul-de-sac. The violent men will come to do something to your democracy. Your future. Your freedom. History. Truth. Decency. Your personhood, in the end. The thing that violent men love to do the most.

They rape all that, just as they rape everything else. Rape. Not the horrific physical, sexual act. But the consequences of it. The act of transgression against the most fundamental and inalienable things a person can be said to have — for power, for a thrill, for a kind of orgasmic feeling of supremacy. The body politic is being raped in America, the body social is being raped. The delicate womb of the future is, too. Decency, goodness, truth, meaning — all violated by the most violent men, left in tatters, demeaned. It is all the bodies we don’t see. The collective and joint bodies we inhabit, too.

America is being raped, too. But that’s not a surprise, really. America became the kind of society that was happy violating nation after nation — half of America, cheering it on, the other half, in blissful denial.

Think about what it takes for a train full of people to ignore a woman being raped. Something went badly, disturbingly wrong with Americans. The Police Superintendent in Philadelphia, when speaking about the rape on the train, had this to say: “It speaks to where we are as a society.”

How right he is.


A decorative wall mask with personality story

WENDELL WINDPOWER – blue in the face from explaining cost effectiveness

Wendell is blue in the face, having lost all patience from attempting to educate and explain how cost-effective it is to utilize wind power! Wendell is passionate about his beliefs. Although his frustration makes him suck in his breath at the adverse reactions of so many intelligent people, he does not waver from his mission.

Difficult for him to understand why he was living on a dying planet starving for renewable and affordable energy. Still, so many people were hopping into their sport utility vehicles, mindlessly driving faster than the speed limit to rush getting to Burger King, only to toss the used containers out the window as they speed back home. As he looks up to the sky, his mind is focused on the following elementary steps he attempts to explain daily to the multitudes of skeptics he encounters.
Steps in wind energy generation

  1. The wind blows on the blades and makes them turn.
  2. The blades turn a shaft inside the nacelle (the box at the top of the turbine).
  3. The shaft goes into a gearbox which increases the rotation speed enough for the generator.
  4. The generator uses magnetic fields to convert rotational energy into electrical energy. These are similar to those found in regular power stations.
  5. The power output goes to a transformer. The transformer converts the generator’s electricity at around 700 Volts (V) to the correct voltage for the distribution system, typically 33,000 V.
  6. The national grid transmits the power around the country.
    Wendell wonders how many lifetimes it will take before more inhabitants of planet earth realize we are using up something we can never regain. He continues to look optimistically toward the day when another, less expensive, less intrusive, more technically advanced method of generating the power we are all so dependent on can be discovered and implemented.

He is proud to be one of seemingly few who sell power back to the power company today and has little compassion for those who constantly complain about how their energy bills are escalating! He will not be swayed by power monopolies to allow chunks of his state to be used to deliver power to states outside his own, leaving residents shaking their heads when opening their current power bills.


T. BLEN PARKER is just saying……

Smallpox is a deadly disease that plagued humans for much of history — until it became the first and only human disease completely eradicated by vaccination. The vaccine was developed by English physician Edward Jenner in 1796 after he observed that milkmaids who caught cowpox appeared to be immune to smallpox.


by karl marx junior

How the former president has shamelessly exploited the greatest terrorist attack on American soil to promote his image

On the eve of the 20th anniversary of September 11th, I want to reflect on the comments made by our disgraced, twice impeached ex-president. While the Twin Towers were coming down, Trump was calling into several tabloid newspapers, saying Trump Tower was now the tallest building in midtown Manhattan. Not only is it disgusting that he used the most horrific terrorist attack in United States history as a way to promote himself and get free publicity at the expense of 3000 dead Americans, it’s also a lie: the building on 70 Pine Street was taller by 25 feet.

Trump once falsely claimed that thousands of Muslims were cheering in the streets, and at the time, he called for a complete ban on all Muslims (an Islamophobic trend he would continue into his presidency by enacting the infamous “Muslim Travel Ban”). He also said he witnessed people jumping from the World Trade Center, despite the fact that he was in Trump Tower at the time, which is miles away and out of eyesight.

He has baselessly claimed that he helped to move rubble at the scene of the attack, and said he spent “a lot of time” at Ground Zero and went there with “men who worked [for him] to try to help in any little way [they] could.” There is no record or evidence to support Trump’s claims, and it is just another complete and utter lie to promote his image and get more free publicity at the expense of thousands of dead Americans.


Trump even tried to profit off the attacks, receiving $150,000 in federal aid and claiming the money was intended for people affected by the event to use his building. He was later forced to give back the money, when it was discovered he used none of the funds to help anyone affected by 9/11. Years later, during Trump’s presidency, his administration infamously withheld $4 million in aid from a program that covers medical care for sick and injured 9/11 first responders. And, of course, on numerous occasions, Republican lawmakers shamefully tried to deny healthcare funds to the surviving victims of the terrorist attack, and Jon Stewart, yes the comedian, had to go before Congress to humiliate them into passing legislation.

Trump claimed he donated “millions of dollars” to 9/11 charities, but after repeating the lie for over a decade and a half, he finally donated $100,000 one time in April 2016 to combat Ted Cruz accusing him of holding “New York values.” Even while defending himself against Cruz, he lied again, saying he witnessed the towers coming down; he did not. Trump also alleged he warned that Osama Bin Laden would target the Twin Towers two years before it happened, which is completely preposterous.

And finally, maybe the most egregious lie, Trump falsely claimed he lost “hundreds of friends,” yet no person has ever corroborated that he even showed up to a single funeral — don’t forget this same man was at the movie theaters when his own brother, Fred Trump Jr., was on his deathbed. Over 300 members of the New York Fire Department died, and the funerals were held only one block from Trump Tower, and he never attended a single one.

He has lied about having lost friends, stolen funds meant to go to 9/11 first responders and victims, and told lie after lie to promote his image — all easily proved a total F’ing lie with a simple fact check.


Please, Join my CULT

by Dubbed Emotions

While yes, I did begin writing a Halloween special, I need to take a small detour. As YouTube carried us through our morning news, it played an older Jimmy Kimmel with a televangelist clip. As I reflect on the scene, I find myself questioning reality. Seriously, I need you to get on my level for a second. Step into my shoes, let me guide you through this properly.

You’re coming out of a deep sleep, but you aren’t ready to look at the clock, fearing what you’ll see. Your back hurts, you’ve been pinned in place by three cats all night. You have to pee, but doing so would disturb Hubby and you’ve both slept terribly this week. Finally, back screaming, you slowly unfold your legs, delicately rolling to the nightstand. As cats leap from bed, you freeze, hoping the Hubby Huff doesn’t come. When your heart resumes beating, you finally see it’s 4:38AM.

The alarm will sound at 5:00. You knowusing the bathroom will wake him. You know you’ll hear the Huff while you pee. Yet you really have to pee. 22 minutes. You try to close your eyes, try to drift off, but your bladder is infuriated. It calls for reinforcements. You feel a hot bubble of sludge slide down your intestines, coming to rest in your bottom. You clinch against the flames, but your asshole is essentially the only barrier between the bed and molten lava. You ever so gently crawl to the toilet. The moment you release your bowls, you see the light of Hubby’s phone, simultaneous with the Huff.

Huff protocol dictates a reset alarm for 5:30. Always erring to the side of caution, you begin your morning. You let the first round of cats out, take Bandit’s (raccoon) food to the edge of the woods because his presence bothers them, feed cats, release second round, grab a water and sit. Sounds of Hubby’s dresser emanate from the bedroom, telling you to prepare the tv. After a short, irrelevant monologue from Seth Meyers, YouTube selects Jimmy Kimmel.

Great choice, he’s second only to John Oliver, but you’re not sure why it felt the need to show one from election time. It’s called Trump Melts Down Over “Stolen” Election, and still worth watching so you don’t complain. Then they showed this guy:🤢🤮

This man stands in front of you, and says “they’re trying to say Joe Biden is president,” and fake laughs horribly. Then he continues, and here’s what really gets you. After a few fake laughs, well past when he should have stopped, he does it again. But this time, he walks around while he laughs. The crowd eats it up! They stand, cheering louder than ever! How does a man like that have a cult? How do people follow and give him money? How are there enough people to support all the ones like him? They have some cush-ass lifestyles! How do they even start? How do you brainwash enough people to confidently stand before the masses to convince them they benefit by giving youmoney?

As you sit on your cat-hair covered couch, still naked beneath a raggedy bathrobe in desperate need of washing, you realize that disgusting old man has fans. Lots of them. Sure, for every fan there’s 100 enemies wishing him dead. Sure, he spouts nonsensical hate rhetoric for a living. Sure, you’d think he could afford a dentist, but apparently teeth aren’t everything in the cult game. But you know what? He probably never had to choose between food or a rent payment. Never had to live 8 weeks in the country with no water or transportation. (Oh! Note to self, write about that 2 months without indoor plumbing.) Hell, I bet that crazy old fart has more than 2 Twitter followers too!

So, after reading all these well thought out points, do you see how it might be worth imitating his behavior? Damn, me either. I really wanted to, but frankly I’d rather puncture my own ear drums than listen to him speak again. I figure there has to be a middle ground. I’ve decided to start my own cult. I’m not married to the name yet, but I was toying with LGFNW, Losers, Geeks, Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos, all welcome and equal. Violence and bullying strictly prohibited.

I may not have much to offer, but I can make you a few promises that clearly put me ahead of the packs.

  • I will never lie to you
  • I will never hold you hostage
  • I will never forbid you from contact with family
  • I will never enforce Droit du seigneur (right of first night, fancy word for rape)
  • I will never drug you (against your will)
  • Most importantly, I will alwayssupport your right to believe whatever the hell you want. 

There’s something deeply wrong in a world where my cult fails while those others flourish. Anyway, thank you for your indulgence in this matter. If you would like to join LGFNW, there are no fees or deadlines. Currently all positions are open. No background or credit checks necessary. We have no swag, or any material possessions whatsoever, but we do have, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of gusto.